A Long, Hard Road

Wow. That's really all I can muster when thinking of this year.
How can you be a completely different person than you were 6 months ago? Heck, 2 months ago? I am, and I can only give credit to God. It was a long time coming, it has definitely been a process, but you don't see it then. You don't feel it. If you did, it'd be like watching a tornado in the distance, slowly making its way towards you. It's actually barreling towards you, ripping things apart, quickly bringing about upheaval, causing soul bearing fear. Yea that's what it's been like for me. But only in retrospect. In the moment, it just seemed hard. A dull ache that you never quite forget about. A dull ache versus a tornado...yea God is good like that. Ohhh His sweet grace for any situation.

I can say with confidence I'm finally becoming the person I've always wanted to be. Disciplined, forgiving, eager to put others ahead of me. I'm in no way saying I'm perfect, or even good at these things, but what I am saying is that I'm trying. Diligently. Not just for a week or two, but with no end in sight. I feel as if a burden has been lifted. We fight ourselves a lot, declaring we know best. But every time I give up a little of me, and replace it with a Godly principle that seems like absurdity, something clicks. And I change. And then it makes perfect sense. In that order. God is always turning absurdity into sense. We just have to let Him I guess.

He's changing my heart about Alabama too. It seems odd. I've been runnin from that place for a mighty long time. I s'pose for me it's been a zooming out to get the whole picture kind of deal. I had to run up the hill so I could look down and take it all in. Maybe that's why I liked being on top of the Empire State Building so much. I needed to get the big picture so that I could understand the pieces of the city when I was back down on the sidewalks. I've come to realize that no place alone will make you happy. New York City will only make me happy if there are good people involved and an a-ok from God. And even then, I'll still miss things from Alabama. And from Israel. And from Mexico. And from every place that has been a part in making me who I am today. I thought that I'd find a place that would just feel like home. But I won't. Because no where on Earth will be home to me. I can't have everything I love about every place I've been to in one locale. I'll learn to love new things in my present whereabouts and I'll appreciate the things I love from the places of my past, and maybe even incorporate them in, creating a unique home that is a display of all God has shown me, blessed me with. I couldn't really ask for better than that.

I'll always miss someone. I'll always miss a certain food. I'll always miss this and that. I'll always dream of what it'd be like to live somewhere else. I'll always have the desire to go. But more than that I just have the desire for family. My own, specifically. So that no matter where I am, who I'm missing, where I'm dreaming of going, I'll have a home. And I think God is preparing me for that. This change, this bettering, it's all leading to something bigger than myself. This road is long and hard and it's summer in the South. The heat's a'risin off the blacktop and you're sweatin' just lookin' at it. But only that road can get you where you need to go. So, you simply start walkin'. You see, this change ain't for you.